40 + Questions and Answers About Grief and Healing

No. You are not broken — your life has been blown apart, and the "brokenness feeling" is your mental and emotional systems trying to survive the blast.

One of the core 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets is: Whatever I am feeling now, and now, and now, is allowed. Rage, numbness, relief, guilt, sadness, surreality, confusion, panic, and overwhelm all belong here.

The second wound often comes from judging your grief: Am I doing this right? Am I crazy? Why can’t I control this? But your feelings are not wrong, even when they are intense, inconvenient, contradictory, or lasting longer than you hoped.

Healing expands when you stop fighting your emotions long enough to acknowledge them, name them, process them, and release what your heart is ready to release.

You don't need to pretend they are normal days. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, death dates, diagnosis dates, and all the brutal “firsts” deserve a plan, even if the plan is simply: I am allowed to fall apart today.

Decide ahead of time what you will and will not do, who you can be around, what traditions you want to keep, change, skip, or burn to the ground for now. Tell the people in your life what you need as clearly as you can, even if your need is space, silence, company, food, distraction, or no expectations. Turn to the Healing Grief Rebel Tenet Creating Boundaries that Work for me is My Superpower if it resonates.

Build in active self-care for the days around the date, not just the day itself, because sometimes the week leading up is the hardest part. The 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets can give you something steady to hold when the day arrives and your heart needs a handrail.

Yes. One of the 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets is: Grief is really messy, and that is okay with me.

Walking around numb, shattered, furious, foggy, raw, or like you do not even know who you are anymore can be part of deep grief. The mess does not mean you are grieving wrong; it means your whole system is trying to survive something life-altering.

You get to be okay with the messiness without pretending the loss itself is okay.

No. You do not have to let go of your person to heal.

One of the 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets is: Releasing the new me from my prior life is freeing. That does not mean forgetting, abandoning, replacing, or diminishing the person you love.

It means slowly learning how to release the constant comparison between life before and life now — the loop that says, This is not how life was supposed to be. I want my old life back. Who am I without them? You can loosen your grip on the life that no longer exists while keeping your love, your bond, your memories, and your person woven into who you are becoming.

Yes. You are allowed to be angry at your person who died, angry at life, angry at the unfairness, angry at the people who did not show up, and angry at the whole damn universe.

As I write in When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan, anger in grief does not mean you love them less. It often means you are in pain, abandoned-feeling, exhausted, confused, and trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

In The Grief Rebel Way, anger is not treated as a failure; it is treated as information. It can show you where something feels unjust, where your boundaries have been broken, where your heart is hurting, and where deeper feelings may be waiting underneath.

You do not have to act from your anger, but you are allowed to feel it, name it, move it, question it, and let it become fuel for healing instead of another reason to judge yourself.

Yes. You are not too late, too broken, too stuck, or too far gone to heal.

Grief does not run on a clock, and healing does not expire because you have been hurting for months, years, or decades. In The Way of the Grief Rebel, you begin exactly where you are — numb, angry, exhausted, skeptical, curious, or open only the tiniest crack.

You do not have to feel ready to heal; if you wait to feel ready, you may wait forever. Your healing can begin here and now: with one honest question, one named feeling, one boundary, one tiny act of self-care, or one willingness to wonder if something new might still be possible.

You are not losing yourself. You may be becoming someone you have not met yet.

The first blast of grief can feel unbearable — like your soul is bleeding and there is no possible way this level of pain can keep existing inside one human body. Time can soften some of the sharpest edges, but there is no exact timeline and no clean way around the pain.

In The Way of the Grief Rebel, two tenets matter deeply here: Help is necessary to heal and Self-care is necessary for me to heal. Find the safest support you can — a therapist, counselor, coach, group, friend, or space where you do not have to perform “okay.”

You will not always feel this exact level of anguish, even if it feels endless right now. Slowly, tenderly, with help and care, you learn how to carry the pain without being swallowed whole by it.

Yes. Joy after loss can feel like betrayal because part of you may fear that feeling good means you are leaving your person, your pain, or your love behind.

You are not betraying your loved one. A laugh does not erase your grief. A good moment does not dishonor what happened. The guilt is simply a signal to look at your core beliefs about death, dying and grief.

Yes. Numbness is grief too.

So is rage. So is laughing at the “wrong” moment. So is sleeping fourteen hours, not sleeping for three days, forgetting everything, staring at the wall, or feeling strangely calm when you think you “should” be falling apart.

One of the 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets is: Whatever I am feeling right now is perfect. Numbness is not a defect in you or your grief; it is often your mind and body gathering energy, creating space, and protecting you until more emotion can safely move through.

As I write about it in When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan numb is normal — it ebbs and flows as a natural part of grief.

Sometimes talking, reading, or hearing someone else’s story brings up tears, pain, anger, or overwhelm because you are finally naming what has been living inside you. That does not mean the book, the conversation, or the healing work is hurting you; it may mean your grief is being acknowledged instead of shoved down.

Other people’s stories can also trigger your own grief, and that is natural. If it feels like too much, you are allowed to pause, breathe, step away, and come back later.

In When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan, the short two-and-three-page chapters are designed to give you places to stop, rest, and return. In The Grief Rebel Way, you set the pace — because healing should never become another thing you have to force.

First, this is a truth for so many of us: being sick of grief makes complete sense. Grief is exhausting, repetitive, unfair, and sometimes it feels like you are living the same emotional weather over and over again.

In The Way of the Grief Rebel, feeling stuck is not failure — it is information. Sometimes what feels like “stuck” is actually the second layer of judgment locking down the first layer of feeling: I shouldn’t still feel this. I should be better. I hate that I’m here again.

Start smaller than you think. Choose one Healing Grief Rebel Tenet, read it once a day, and notice what rises — resistance, tears, anger, numbness, relief, or even nothing.

You do not have to solve your whole grief life today. Begin with one gentle Grief Rebel question: What might I give myself permission to need or want right now?

Start wherever your heart has the most capacity today. The free 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets PDF is a gentle place to begin because you can read what speaks to you in just a few minutes, even in deep grief.

If you want something easy to digest, to hold, mark up, return to, and keep beside you, the signed paperback is $9.50 and was built to be read inside your grief, not after it. If you want direct support, you can book a free 45-minute Connection Call with me, or begin with a 75-minute 1:1 session package when your heart wants something deeper.

Often, the people who love you cannot handle seeing you in pain, sadness, discomfort, or deep grief. Their reaction is most often about their own fear and helplessness, not that you are grieving wrongly.

There may be no old “normal” to return to. There is a new life you are slowly building, and that deserves time, truth, and room to breathe.

You can say, kindly and clearly: “I know you want me to be okay. I appreciate your love. But I am healing on my own timeline, and I need you to respect that.” Boundaries that work for you are at the core of The Grief Rebel Way, and this is exactly the kind of challenge you can bring to a free Connection Call.

Self-care can feel selfish because many of us were taught to abandon ourselves, especially when other people are hurting too. But in grief, self-care is not extra, fluff, or optional — it is one of the foundations of healing.

I teach self-care as more than hot showers and massages, though those absolutely count. In the Grief Rebel Way, self-care means creating boundaries that work, choosing your healing without apology, refueling your empty tanks, and building a life that can actually hold you.

When self-care becomes a way of life, it does not pull you away from love. It helps you stay connected, create energy, expand calm, and communicate more clearly--all without angst, overwhelm or disappearing.

There is no universal grief timeline, and anyone who tries to hand you one is probably believing the myth that there is a neat ending to grief. In the Grief Rebel Way, healing does not mean you wake up one day untouched by what happened. It means you slowly learn how to live with grief, honor your love, rebuild your life, and become someone who can breathe, feel, choose, and live again IN A WAY THAT WORKS FOR YOU.

Your pace is not wrong. Your healing is not late.

Dating, romance, intimacy, and even the thought of wanting connection after the death of a partner — or after any major loss or trauma — can bring up intense emotions, triggers, guilt, confusion, longing, and overwhelm. All of that is normal.

In The Grief Rebel Way, readiness is not a perfect feeling or a clear green light. It is usually a practice of deep self-care, curiosity, experimentation, and noticing what your body, heart, and energy can actually handle.

This may take an extraordinary amount of physical, emotional, and mental fuel, so refueling your tanks matters. Be gentle with yourself, move at your pace, and create what works for you at every turn.

If dating, romance, or intimacy is showing up in your grief, it may be a powerful topic to bring into a Connection Call with me.

Some do. Some absolutely do not. The real Grief Rebel question is not, Should I journal? The question is: What works for me?

Writing can be a powerful release, but so can talking, painting, walking, voice memos, music, movement, silence, or sending one long, unfiltered email to someone safe. If journaling helps, use it. If the word “journal” makes you flinch, do not turn it into another grief assignment.

Many people find that writing to be witnessed by one caring person is more healing than writing in a private notebook no one will ever see.

You give yourself permission to be a grieving parent, not a perfect one. Kids do not need you fixed; they need you present, honest, loving, and willing to keep showing up in whatever way you can.

Two Grief Rebel tenets (principles) matter deeply here: Help is necessary to heal and Self-care is the foundation of my healing. You cannot parent from an empty fuel tank forever, and after the death of a partner or major loss, it may be impossible to parent exactly the way you did before.

Active self-care is not you taking something away from your child; it is part of how you become more available to them. I raised my special needs son Leo alone for years after my wife Karen died, and the work was never pretending I had it all together — it was building a life that could hold both of their grief, needs, love, and healing.

Active self-care goes beyond sleep, water, movement, nutrition, time outside, or a hot bath — although all of those matter deeply. In The Way of the Grief Rebel, self-care is not just helpful or nice; one of the core 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets is: Self-care is necessary for me to heal.

Grief blows apart your body, brain, energy, nervous system, relationships, and sense of self, so active self-care means noticing where your fuel is leaking and choosing what helps you refill. Sometimes that is rest, food, movement, or quiet; sometimes it is a fierce boundary, a clear no, asking for help, cancelling what drains you, or saying yes to what gives one drop of energy back.

Active self-care is not selfish. It is the foundation that makes healing, grieving, loving, parenting, working, rebuilding, and becoming possible.

You set boundaries — not because you are mean, but because your grief needs protection. One of the 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets is: I grow and heal when I create boundaries that work for me.

You do not owe everyone a long explanation, emotional debate, or perfectly worded defense of your grief. “This is what I need right now” is a full sentence.

The Hopeful Boundaries Workbook walks you through how to script these conversations, protect your energy, and stay connected without letting other people take over your healing.

Yes. The 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets can meet you whether your loss, death, or trauma happened seven days ago, seven weeks ago, or seventeen years ago.

Grief does not run on a clock, and neither does your Grief Way. Start with the resource, tenet, question, or practice that pulls you in today. Leave the rest for later

If you’re reading this, I promise you: you are already a Grief Rebel.

A Grief Rebel is someone who is questioning, searching, aching, raging, wondering, rebuilding, or simply trying to breathe after loss or trauma has blown life apart. You do not have to feel brave, strong, spiritual, hopeful, or “ready” to qualify. You only have to be open, even in the tiniest way, to creating a new life that actually works for you.

In my experience working with 100s of grieving people and working through my own deep traumas, grief is surrounded by many rules and "truths" that were never made for real, broken-open humans. A Grief Rebel is someone who is looking (even in tiny ways) for ways of healing that work for them. Many of societal beliefs don't fit at a "gut" level. We begin to question the timelines, the “shoulds,” the need for fake strength, the pressure to move on, and the idea that healing has to look quiet, polite, or socially acceptable.

Rebel does not mean reckless. It means being open (again in the tiniest of ways) to honor your self, be true to your own truths, protect your extremely valuable energy, and heal in a way that actually belongs to you.

The 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets are twelve simple but powerful principles designed to help you move with grief instead of pretending your way around it. They are not rules, stages, or steps you have to follow in order.

Read them slowly and notice which one reaches for you today. Some days one tenet will speak. Some days three will crack something open. Take what helps, leave what doesn’t, and heal with ease, power, permission, and your own damn way.

This is not just for widows. The Grief Rebel Way was born from my widowhood experience, but this permission-based framework can support many kinds of loss: the death of a spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend, or beloved pet, as well as divorce, retirement, caregiving trauma, health changes, and major identity shifts.

If your life has been split open, this work can meet you there. The details of every loss are different, but the need for truth, tenderness, permission, and your own healing way is deeply human

Therapy and support groups can be powerful, necessary, and deeply healing, and I often recommend both. The Grief Rebel Way is not clinical therapy and does not replace mental health care; it is a coaching-based healing framework rooted in permission, self-care, boundaries, experimentation, and building a life that works for you now.

Therapy may help you process trauma, history, diagnosis, patterns, or mental health challenges. Support groups can help you feel less alone with people who understand the landscape of loss.

The Grief Rebel Way is both inward and forward-leaning: How has my past shaped this moment? What no longer works after my loss? What do I need today? What can I practice, protect, question, rebuild, release, or choose next? Many people use therapy, support groups, and Grief Rebel coaching together because they are not in conflict — they can support different parts of the same healing journey.

My Grief Rebel story began in 2002, when my wife, Karen, died at age 30 while giving birth to our son, Leo. In the same breath, I became a father and a widower, and the years that followed brought NICU trauma, Leo’s cerebral palsy and medical challenges, caregiving, exhaustion, terror, love, hope, and the impossible work of rebuilding a life I never would have chosen.

There was no neat grief map that matched what was happening in my body, heart, home, and future. Over time, I began to see that much of what we are taught about grief — the timelines, the pressure to “move on,” the myth that strength means looking okay — does not actually help broken-open humans heal.

Years later, through my work as a counselor, coach, advocate, speaker, and grief companion, I heard the same truth again and again: people were not failing at grief; they were exhausted from trying to grieve by rules that did not work. The 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets and The Way of the Grief Rebel were born from my own lived grief, my life with Leo, and the universal truths I witnessed while coaching, counseling, and teaching hundreds of grieving people.

I later wrote When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan as the book I wished someone had handed me when my life was blown apart — short, honest, practical chapters that could be read inside grief, not after it. My work is not about getting over grief; it is about refusing to let grief, trauma, other people’s rules, or society’s shallow ideas about healing have the final word.

It is a story about love surviving the explosion — and learning, slowly and rebelliously, how to create a life that works.

Yes — and it is growing. Many Grief Rebels currently stay connected through my social media, email list, books, coaching, workshops, and the shared language of The Way of the Grief Rebel.

A more formal Grief Rebel Way community is also being developed: a place for truth, tenderness, no-BS support, permission, healing tools, and people who understand that grief does not need to be polished to be sacred.

If you want to be part of what is coming, reach out through the contact page and let me know you want to join the Grief Rebel community. You do not have to have your grief figured out to belong here — you just have to come as you are.

The Connection Call is a real, confidential, 45-minute coaching conversation — not a sales pitch wearing a fake mustache — ever. There is no script, no pressure, and no need to show up polished.

Bring the real you: your grief, your questions, your intense emotions, your stuck place, your anger, your confusion, your feisty grief rebellion, or just the truth of where you are right now. I will listen deeply, meet you with care, and help you leave with something healing, practical, and usable.

If 1:1 coaching feels like a possible next step, you can ask about it. If not, that is completely okay — you still keep the insight, support, and healing from the call.

Although I am not a licensed therapist, and The Grief Rebel Way is not clinical therapy, this framework is proven to be powerfully healing. My background includes crisis counseling, extensive coaching training, years of grief-focused coaching, and nearly a decade of helping hundreds of people navigate death, trauma, life explosions, and the messy work of rebuilding.

I also speak at conferences, teach workshops, write about grief and healing, and created When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan and The Grief Rebel Way from both professional experience and lived experience. I have built a thriving, meaningful life while carrying my own profound losses — and that combination of training, practice, honesty, and lived grief is at the heart of my work.

My 1:1 coaching is built around 6-session packages, with each session lasting 75 minutes. I created the 75-minute format because grief work often opens up slowly, and many clients begin reaching the deeper truth, breakthrough, or real challenge around the 45-minute mark.

Like the Grief Rebel Way, the rhythm is organic, not rigid. Some clients meet weekly, while others meet every two weeks, depending on their grief, energy, life demands, what they are working through and what works for them.

Across six sessions, there is room to build trust, name what is really happening, create tools that work, practice boundaries and self-care, complete the work on a specific challenge and begin shaping a life that can hold both grief and healing. Some clients complete one package; others renew because the work keeps helping them grow, rebuild, and become.

Yes. I speak for widow groups, grief communities, hospice teams, support circles, workshops, conferences, podcasts, and organizations that want a more honest, human, practical way to talk about grief.

My speaking brings the heart of The Way of the Grief Rebel: truth, tenderness, humor, permission, self-care, boundaries, and healing without fake timelines or polished grief rules. Whether the audience is newly shattered, years into loss, or supporting grieving people professionally, I meet the room with compassion, grit, and usable tools.

To invite me to speak or be a podcast guest, reach out through the contact page and choose Speaking, Podcast, or Press so I can respond directly.

Yes. For 1:1 clients there is email and text access between sessions. You get to ask any question. You get to celebrate small wins. You get to vomit. Most people do not realize how much faster healing moves when there is a place to land between sessions.

Sessions work well over phone too. In grief, especially early on, being seen can feel like too much. That is perfectly ok. I meet you exactly where you are and where you are not on the phone or on Zoom. The Grief Rebel Way is about doing your grief in a way that works for you.

Yes. It is really free: 45 minutes, no credit card, no pressure, and no pitch hiding in the bushes.

I offer the Connection Call because sometimes people need to talk to a real human before they know what kind of support fits. The call removes barriers like cost, uncertainty, and “I don’t even know where to start,” so you can bring your grief, your questions, or one specific challenge into a safe, confidential conversation.

You will leave with care, clarity, and practical tools you can actually use. If you want to ask about working with me more deeply, you can — but the call is valuable whether you ever book anything else or not.

You can follow me on the platforms that work best for you. I share Grief Rebel insights, healing tools, practical ideas, permission slips, and new frameworks for living with grief in a way that actually belongs to you.

Find me on Instagram at @jimspelmangriefcoach, TikTok at @jimspelmancoach, and YouTube at @GriefRebel. Come as you are — messy, curious, shattered, rebuilding, or simply looking for one honest thing to hold today.

Send them this site, the free 12 Healing Grief Rebel Tenets PDF, or a gifted signed copy of When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan. The Tenets PDF is the easiest no-cost place to begin because it is simple, short, and gentle enough to read even in deep grief.

You do not have to explain everything or convince them to heal. You can simply say, “I found this and thought of you. No pressure. Just something to hold if and when you want it.”

Sometimes the most loving thing we can offer is not advice, but a doorway.

When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan is a 167-page, easy-to-digest grief healing book filled with tools, truth, explanations, and permission-based principles for about the price of a coffee. It is the place to start if you want something affordable, powerful, and available whenever grief grabs you by the throat.

The Badass Boundaries Workbook is a deeper, structured download with reading, exercises, scripts, and a 75-minute coaching session with me to help you create boundaries that actually work in grief to create healing, reduce overwhelm and give you much needed energy. 1:1 coaching is the most personal and intensive option, where I work directly with you to build healing practices, self-care, boundaries, and a new life that fits who you are becoming.

The Badass Boundaries Workbook is for the moments when grief has blown your life open and suddenly everyone has opinions, needs, expectations, advice, or access to your already-empty fuel tank. It helps you name where people-pleasing, over-functioning, over-explaining, guilt, and absorbing other people’s emotions are stealing energy from your healing.

This workbook gives you guided prompts, scripts, and practices to help you decide what boundaries you need, who you need them with, and why they matter now. I pair it with a 75-minute coaching call which will help you apply the work to your real life, your real relationships, and your real grief.

Yes. Every copy of When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan ordered through this site is signed by me.

The standard signing includes my signature. If you would like a personalized inscription, leave a note at checkout with the name of the person the book is for and any short message you would like included.

Within 5 business days. US Media Mail typically arrives in 6 to 10 days. Shipping is added at checkout because each copy is signed personally by me and is not print-on-demand.

No. When the Sh*t Hits Your Fan was born from my experience as a widower, but it is written for anyone whose life has been split open by death, trauma, or life-altering loss.

The details of every grief are different, but the need for truth, permission, self-care, boundaries, and a healing path that actually works for you is deeply human. If your world has been blown apart, this book can meet you there — not with tidy answers, but with honest tools you can use inside your grief, not after it.

Yes. Many widow groups, hospices, and grief circles buy 10 + copies. Email jim@jimspelmancoach.com for bulk and gift-bundle pricing.

Yes. Many people send a signed copy with a personalized inscription as a way to say I see you, I am not going to fix you, here is something that helped me. Leave the inscription note at checkout.

Write to me through the contact page. I read every message and respond personally. If the question you raise is asked more than once, I will add it to the FAQ to help other grieving people.